Japanese Teen Who Pilots Giant Robot Fails Driving Test

by Grant Goodman
March 19, 2009

A week after discovering a buried giant robot and piloting it to fight off hideous monsters, Sawara Tomonobu failed the test for his driver’s license when he was unable to parallel park his 1999 Honda Civic at the Semboku city Department of Transportation.

His father, Subaru Tomonobu, expressed extreme disappointment and frustration with his son’s performance: “The boy jumped into the robot, hit a bunch of random switches, pulled on some levers, and flawlessly dispatched of a great threat to human existence. And now he tells me a steering wheel and two pedals are too complex to operate?”

The day before the test, Tomonobu-san successfully fought off three demons from the Earth’s core, saving the entire world from being devoured by the imprisoned sons of ancient gods. According to sources on the scene, Sawara struck them all down with a single, arcing spin-kick, struck a cool pose, and stood still as all three demons exploded. Property damage has yet to be determined by the Japanese government.

Tomonobu plans on re-taking the test in two weeks, unless, he adds, “The ancient prophecy comes true and I must venture beneath the surface to fight the Volcano God. But, really, when did prophecies ever come true?”

(Grant was the winner of my Make T-shirt contest; This is a work of fiction.)

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